TWELFTH NIGHT
by William Shakespeare PERSONS REPRESENTEDORSINO, Duke of Illyria. MALVOLIO, Steward to Olivia. OLIVIA, a rich Countess. Lords, Priests, Sailors, Officers, Musicians, and other SCENE: A City in Illyria; and the Sea-coast near it.ACT I.SCENE I. An Apartment in the DUKE'S Palace.[Enter DUKE, CURIO, Lords; Musicians attending.] DUKE. CURIO. DUKE. CURIO. DUKE. [Enter VALENTINE.] VALENTINE. DUKE. [Exeunt.] SCENE II. The sea-coast.[Enter VIOLA, CAPTAIN, and Sailors.] VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. CAPTAIN. VIOLA. [Exeunt.] SCENE III. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.] SIR TOBY. What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life. MARIA. By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights; your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours. SIR TOBY. MARIA. Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order. SIR TOBY. Confine? I'll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too; an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps. MARIA. That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer. SIR TOBY. MARIA. SIR TOBY. MARIA. SIR TOBY. MARIA. Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a very fool, and a prodigal. SIR TOBY. Fye that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gambo, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature. MARIA. He hath indeed,—almost natural: for, besides that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller; and, but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave. SIR TOBY. By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they? MARIA. SIR TOBY. With drinking healths to my niece; I'll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria. He's a coward and a coystril that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano-vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Ague-face. [Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.] AGUE-CHEEK. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. You mistake, knight: accost is, front her, board her, woo her, assail her. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. SIR TOBY. An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again. SIR ANDREW. An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand? MARIA. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. SIR ANDREW. Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest? MARIA. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand I am barren. [Exit MARIA.] SIR TOBY. O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary: When did I see thee so put down? SIR ANDREW. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has; but I am great eater of beef, and, I believe, that does harm to my wit. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. What is pourquoy? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. Oh, had I but followed the arts! SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a houswife take thee between her legs and spin it off. SIR ANDREW. Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby; your niece will not be seen; or, if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me; the count himself here hard by woos her. SIR TOBY. She'll none o' the Count; she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man. SIR ANDREW. I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. And, I think, I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria. SIR TOBY. Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before them? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard. SIR ANDREW. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about some revels? SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper: ha, higher: ha, ha!—excellent! [Exeunt.] SCENE IV. A Room in the DUKE'S Palace.[Enter VALENTINE, and VIOLA in man's attire.] VALENTINE. If the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced; he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger. VIOLA. You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favours? VALENTINE. [Enter DUKE, CURIO, and Attendants.] VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. SCENE V. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.] MARIA. Nay; either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence. CLOWN. Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours. MARIA. CLOWN. MARIA. A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of, I fear no colours. CLOWN. MARIA. CLOWN. Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents. MARIA. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent: or to be turned away; is not that as good as a hanging to you? CLOWN. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out. MARIA. CLOWN. MARIA. That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, your gaskins fall. CLOWN. Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria. MARIA. Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely; you were best. [Exit.] [Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO.] CLOWN. Wit, and't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.—God bless thee, lady! OLIVIA. CLOWN. OLIVIA. Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest. CLOWN. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower:—the lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away. OLIVIA. CLOWN. Misprision in the highest degree!—Lady, Cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to say, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool. OLIVIA. CLOWN. OLIVIA. CLOWN. OLIVIA. CLOWN. OLIVIA. CLOWN. OLIVIA. CLOWN. The more fool you, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.—Take away the fool, gentlemen. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal; I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies. OLIVIA. O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. CLOWN. Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools! [Re-enter MARIA.] MARIA. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. OLIVIA. MARIA. OLIVIA. MARIA. OLIVIA. [Exit MARIA] Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will to dismiss it. [Exit MALVOLIO.] Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it. CLOWN. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool: whose skull Jove cram with brains, for here he comes— one of thy kin, has a most weak pia mater. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH.] OLIVIA. SIR TOBY. OLIVIA. SIR TOBY. 'Tis a gentleman here.—A plague o' these pickle-herrings!—How now, sot? CLOWN. OLIVIA. SIR TOBY. OLIVIA. SIR TOBY. Let him be the devil an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one. [Exit.] OLIVIA. CLOWN. Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him. OLIVIA. Go thou and seek the coroner, and let him sit o' my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink; he's drowned: go, look after him. CLOWN. He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman. [Exit CLOWN.] [Re-enter MALVOLIO.] MALVOLIO. Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you; I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. Has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter of a bench, but he'll speak with you. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling, when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him e'en standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. [Exit.] [Re-enter MARIA.] OLIVIA. [Enter VIOLA.] VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty,—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech; for, besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage. OLIVIA. VIOLA. I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance, if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates; and allowed your approach, rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue. MARIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office. VIOLA. It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage; I hold the olive in my hand: my words are as full of peace as matter. OLIVIA. VIOLA. The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am and what I would are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other's, profanation. OLIVIA. [Exit MARIA.] Now, sir, what is your text? VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? you are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is't not well done? [Unveiling.] VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried; and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two grey eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me? VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. [Exit.] OLIVIA. [Re-enter MALVOLIO.] MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. [Exit.] OLIVIA. [Exit.] ACT II.SCENE I. The sea-coast.[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.] ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. By your patience, no; my stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might, perhaps, distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone. It were a bad recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. No, 'sooth, sir; my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian, which I called Rodorigo; my father was that Sebastian of Messaline whom I know you have heard of: he left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour; if the heavens had been pleased, would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that; for some hours before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but though I could not, with such estimable wonder, overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish her,—she bore mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. If you will not undo what you have done—that is, kill him whom you have recovered—desire it not. Fare ye well at once; my bosom is full of kindness; and I am yet so near the manners of my mother that, upon the least occasion more, mine eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell. [Exit.] ANTONIO. [Exit.] SCENE II. A street.[Enter VIOLA; MALVOLIO following.] MALVOLIO. VIOLA. Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither. MALVOLIO. She returns this ring to you, sir; you might have saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself. She adds moreover, that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him: and one thing more: that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs, unless it be to report your lord's taking of this. Receive it so. VIOLA. MALVOLIO. Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her will is it should be so returned. If it be worth stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be it his that finds it. [Exit.] VIOLA. [Exit.] SCENE III. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.] SIR TOBY. Approach, Sir Andrew; not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes; and diluculo surgere, thou know'st. SIR ANDREW. Nay; by my troth, I know not; but I know to be up late is to be up late. SIR TOBY. A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Do not our lives consist of the four elements? SIR ANDREW. Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking. SIR TOBY. [Enter CLOWN.] SIR ANDREW. CLOWN. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg; and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus; 'twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. Hadst it? CLOWN. I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses. SIR ANDREW. Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now, a song. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. CLOWN. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. CLOWN. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? shall we do that? SIR ANDREW. CLOWN. SIR ANDREW. CLOWN. 'Hold thy peace, thou knave' knight? I shall be constrain'd in't to call thee knave, knight. SIR ANDREW. 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool; it begins 'Hold thy peace.' CLOWN. SIR ANDREW. [They sing a catch.] [Enter MARIA.] MARIA. What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. SIR ANDREW. Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too; he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. SIR TOBY. MARIA. [Enter MALVOLIO] MALVOLIO. My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an ale-house of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time, in you? SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you that, though she harbours you as her kinsman she's nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanours, you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell. SIR TOBY. MARIA. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. SIR TOBY. Out o' tune? sir, ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? CLOWN. Yes, by Saint Anne; and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule; she shall know of it, by this hand. [Exit.] MARIA. SIR ANDREW. 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him. SIR TOBY. Do't, knight; I'll write thee a challenge; or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth. MARIA. Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for to-night; since the youth of the count's was to-day with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it. SIR TOBY. MARIA. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. The devil a Puritan that he is, or anything constantly but a time-pleaser: an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellences, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work. SIR TOBY. MARIA. I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady, your niece; on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she is in love with him. MARIA. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. SIR ANDREW. MARIA. Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell. [Exit.] SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i' the end, call me Cut. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Come, come; I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight. [Exeunt.] SCENE IV. A Room in the DUKE'S Palace.[Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO, and others.] DUKE. CURIO. DUKE. CURIO. Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the Lady Olivia's father took much delight in: he is about the house. DUKE. [Exit CURIO. Music.] Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love, VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. [Re-enter CURIO and CLOWN.] DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. Not a flower, not a flower sweet, DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. Now the melancholy god protect thee; and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very opal!—I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be everything, and their intent everywhere; for that's it that always makes a good voyage of nothing.—Farewell. [Exit CLOWN.] DUKE. [Exeunt CURIO and Attendants.] Once more, Cesario, VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. [Exeunt.] SCENE V. OLIVIA'S garden.[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.] SIR TOBY. FABIAN. Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport let me be boiled to death with melancholy. SIR TOBY. Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame? FABIAN. I would exult, man; you know he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here. SIR TOBY. To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue:—shall we not, Sir Andrew? SIR ANDREW. [Enter MARIA.] SIR TOBY. MARIA. Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down this walk; he has been yonder i' the sun practising behaviour to his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! [The men hide themselves.] Lie thou there; [Throws down a letter] for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling. [Exit Maria.] [Enter MALVOLIO.] MALVOLIO. 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than any one else that follows her. What should I think on't? SIR TOBY. FABIAN. O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced plumes! SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe. SIR ANDREW. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. And then to have the humour of state: and after a demure travel of regard,—telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs,—to ask for my kinsman Toby. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him: I frown the while, and perchance, wind up my watch, or play with some rich jewel. Toby approaches; court'sies there to me: SIR TOBY. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control: SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. Saying 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of speech':— SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight'; SIR ANDREW. MALVOLIO. SIR ANDREW. MALVOLIO. [Taking up the letter.] FABIAN. SIR TOBY. O, peace! And the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him! MALVOLIO. SIR ANDREW. MALVOLIO. [Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes.' Her very phrases!—By your leave, wax.—Soft!—and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be? FABIAN. MALVOLIO. 'No man must know.'—What follows? the numbers alter'd!—'No man must know':—If this should be thee, Malvolio? SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.'—Nay, but first let me see,—let me see,—let me see. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command me: I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity; there is no obstruction in this;—And the end,—What should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me.—Softly!—M, O, A, I.— SIR TOBY. FABIAN. Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox. MALVOLIO. FABIAN. MALVOLIO. M,—But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under probation: A should follow, but O does. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. FABIAN. Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you. MALVOLIO. M, O, A, I;—This simulation is not as the former:—and yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft; here follows prose.— 'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Thy fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants: let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity: She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to; thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, 'The fortunate-unhappy.' Daylight and champian discovers not more: this is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the very man. I do not now fool myself to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered; and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised!—Here is yet a postscript. 'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well: therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I pr'ythee.' Jove, I thank thee. I will smile; I will do everything that thou wilt have me. [Exit.] FABIAN. I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. [Enter MARIA.] SIR ANDREW. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that, when the image of it leaves him, he must run mad. MARIA. SIR TOBY. MARIA. If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt; if you will see it, follow me. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. [Exeunt.] ACT III. SCENE I. OLIVIA'S garden.[Enter VIOLA, and CLOWN with a tabor.] VIOLA. CLOWN. VIOLA. CLOWN. No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church. VIOLA. So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the church. CLOWN. You have said, sir.—To see this age!—A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward! VIOLA. Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton. CLOWN. VIOLA. CLOWN. Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words are very rascals, since bonds disgraced them. VIOLA. CLOWN. Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and words are grown so false I am loath to prove reason with them. VIOLA. CLOWN. VIOLA. CLOWN. No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger; I am, indeed, not her fool, but her corrupter of words. VIOLA. CLOWN. Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there. VIOLA. CLOWN. VIOLA. By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within? CLOWN. VIOLA. CLOWN. VIOLA. CLOWN. The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin: I might say element; but the word is overworn. [Exit.] VIOLA. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.] SIR TOBY. VIOLA. SIR ANDREW. VIOLA. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her. VIOLA. I am bound to your niece, sir: I mean, she is the list of my voyage. SIR TOBY. VIOLA. My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs. SIR TOBY. VIOLA. [Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.] Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you! SIR ANDREW. VIOLA. My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed car. SIR ANDREW. 'Odours,' 'pregnant,' and 'vouchsafed':—I'll get 'em all three ready. OLIVIA. [Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA.] Give me your hand, sir. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Exeunt.] SCENE II. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.] SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the orchard. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. FABIAN. I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason. SIR TOBY. And they have been grand jurymen since before Noah was a sailor. FABIAN. She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was baulked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valour or policy. SIR ANDREW. And't be any way, it must be with valour: for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician. SIR TOBY. Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour. FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention; taunt him with the licence of ink; if thou 'thou'st' him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink; though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter. About it. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. [Exit SIR ANDREW.] FABIAN. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy. FABIAN. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty. [Enter MARIA.] SIR TOBY. MARIA. If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me: yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings. SIR TOBY. MARIA. Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church.—I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map, with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis; I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him; if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great favour. SIR TOBY. [Exeunt.] SCENE III. A street.[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.] SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. [Exeunt.] SCENE IV. OLIVIA'S garden.[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.] OLIVIA. MARIA. OLIVIA. MARIA. OLIVIA. [Enter MALVOLIO.] How now, Malvolio? MALVOLIO. [Smiles fantastically.] OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering. But what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: 'Please one and please all.' OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft? MARIA. MALVOLIO. MARIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. [Enter Servant.] SERVANT. Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is returned; I could hardly entreat him back; he attends your ladyship's pleasure. OLIVIA. [Exit Servant.] Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry. [Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA.] MALVOLIO. O, ho! do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me? This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;—'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants,—let thy tongue tang with arguments of state,—put thyself into the trick of singularity;—and consequently, sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And, when she went away now, 'Let this fellow be looked to;' Fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, everything adheres together; that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance,—What can be said? Nothing, that can be, can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked. [Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN.] SIR TOBY. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him. FABIAN. Here he is, here he is:—How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man? MALVOLIO. MARIA. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you?—Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him; let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind. MALVOLIO. MARIA. La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched. FABIAN. MARIA. Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say. MALVOLIO. MARIA. SIR TOBY. Pr'ythee hold thy peace; this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? let me alone with him. FABIAN. No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier! MARIA. MALVOLIO. MARIA. MALVOLIO. Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter. [Exit.] SIR TOBY. FABIAN. If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction. SIR TOBY. MARIA. FABIAN. MARIA. SIR TOBY. Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he's mad; we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see. [Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.] FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. Here's the challenge, read it; I warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't. FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Give me. [Reads.] 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.' FABIAN. SIR TOBY. 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.' FABIAN. SIR TOBY. 'Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.' FABIAN. SIR TOBY. 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,'— FABIAN. SIR TOBY. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, Andrew Ague-Cheek.' If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him. MARIA. You may have very fit occasion for't; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart. SIR TOBY. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-bailiff; so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away. SIR ANDREW. [Exit.] SIR TOBY. Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less; therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Ague-cheek notable report of valour, and drive the gentleman,—as I know his youth will aptly receive it,—into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices. [Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.] FABIAN. Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take leave, and presently after him. SIR TOBY. I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge. [Exeunt SIR TOBY, FABIAN, and MARIA.] OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Exit.] [Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR FABIAN.] SIR TOBY. VIOLA. SIR TOBY. That defence thou hast, betake thee to't. Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly. VIOLA. You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me; my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man. SIR TOBY. You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man withal. VIOLA. SIR TOBY. He is knight, dubbed with unhacked rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl; souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre: hob, nob is his word; give't or take't. VIOLA. I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk. SIR TOBY. Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury; therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you. VIOLA. This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office as to know of the knight what my offence to him is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose. SIR TOBY. I Will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return. [Exit SIR TOBY.] VIOLA. FABIAN. I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more. VIOLA. FABIAN. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can. VIOLA. I shall be much bound to you for't. I am one that would rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle. [Exeunt.] [Re-enter SIR TOBY With SIR ANDREW.] SIR TOBY. Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a virago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder. SIR ANDREW. Plague on't; an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I'd have seen him damned ere I'd have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet. SIR TOBY. [Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA.] I have his horse [To FABIAN.] to take up the quarrel; I have persuaded him the youth's a devil. FABIAN. He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels. SIR TOBY. There's no remedy, sir: he will fight with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore, draw for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you. VIOLA. [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man. FABIAN. SIR TOBY. Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you: he cannot by the duello avoid it; but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on: to't. SIR ANDREW. [Draws.] [Enter ANTONIO.] VIOLA. [Draws.] ANTONIO. [Drawing.] SIR TOBY. ANTONIO. SIR TOBY. [Draws.] [Enter two Officers.] FABIAN. O good Sir Toby, hold; here come the officers. SIR TOBY. VIOLA. SIR ANDREW. Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily and reins well. FIRST OFFICER. SECOND OFFICER. ANTONIO. FIRST OFFICER. ANTONIO. SECOND OFFICER. ANTONIO. VIOLA. ANTONIO. VIOLA. ANTONIO. SECOND OFFICER. ANTONIO. FIRST OFFICER. ANTONIO. FIRST OFFICER. ANTONIO. [Exeunt Officers with ANTONIO.] VIOLA. SIR TOBY. Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian; we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws. VIOLA. [Exit.] SIR TOBY. A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian. FABIAN. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. SIR ANDREW. [Exit.] FABIAN. SIR TOBY. [Exeunt.] ACT IV.SCENE I. The Street before OLIVIA'S House.[Enter SEBASTIAN and CLOWN.] CLOWN. SEBASTIAN. CLOWN. Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither.— Nothing that is so is so. SEBASTIAN. CLOWN. Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney.—I pr'ythee now, ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming? SEBASTIAN. CLOWN. By my troth, thou hast an open hand:—These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report after fourteen years' purchase. [Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN.] SIR ANDREW. [Striking SEBASTIAN.] SEBASTIAN. [Beating SIR ANDREW.] SIR TOBY. CLOWN. This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of your coats for twopence. [Exit CLOWN.] SIR TOBY. [Holding SEBASTIAN.] SIR ANDREW. Nay, let him alone; I'll go another way to work with him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for that. SEBASTIAN. SIR TOBY. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on. SEBASTIAN. [Draws.] SIR TOBY. What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you. [Draws.] [Enter OLIVIA.] OLIVIA. SIR TOBY. OLIVIA. [Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.] Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway SEBASTIAN. OLIVIA. SEBASTIAN. OLIVIA. [Exeunt.] SCENE II. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.] MARIA. [Exit MARIA.] CLOWN. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well: nor lean enough to be thought a good student: but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.] SIR TOBY. CLOWN. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is, is'; so I, being master parson, am master parson: for what is that but that? and is but is? SIR TOBY. CLOWN. SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou nothing but of ladies? SIR TOBY. MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness. CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark? MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clear storeys toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. MALVOLIO. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant question. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. MALVOLIO. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. SIR TOBY. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. [Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.] CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. CLOWN. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. MALVOLIO. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits. CLOWN. Advise you what you say: the minister is here.—Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you. MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. By this hand, I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady; it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. CLOWN. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? MALVOLIO. CLOWN. MALVOLIO. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I pr'ythee be gone. CLOWN. Who with dagger of lath, [Exit.] SCENE III. OLIVIA'S Garden.[Enter SEBASTIAN.] SEBASTIAN. [Enter OLIVIA and a Priest.] OLIVIA. SEBASTIAN. OLIVIA. [Exeunt.] ACT V.SCENE I. The Street before OLIVIA's House.[Enter CLOWN and FABIAN.] FABIAN. CLOWN. FABIAN. CLOWN. FABIAN. [Enter DUKE, VIOLA, and Attendants.] DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. DUKE. CLOWN. Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes. DUKE. CLOWN. By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends. DUKE. CLOWN. But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another. DUKE. CLOWN. Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it. DUKE. Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there's another. CLOWN. Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is, the third pays for all; the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three. DUKE. You can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further. CLOWN. Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap; I will awake it anon. [Exit CLOWN.] [Enter ANTONIO and Officers.] VIOLA. DUKE. FIRST OFFICER. VIOLA. DUKE. ANTONIO. VIOLA. DUKE. ANTONIO. [Enter OLIVIA and Attendants.] DUKE. OLIVIA. VIOLA. DUKE. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. DUKE. OLIVIA. DUKE. OLIVIA. DUKE. [Going.] VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Exit an ATTENDANT.] DUKE. OLIVIA. DUKE. OLIVIA. DUKE. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Re-enter Attendant and Priest.] Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence, PRIEST. DUKE. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, with his head broke.] SIR ANDREW. OLIVIA. SIR ANDREW. He has broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your help: I had rather than forty pound I were at home. OLIVIA. SIR ANDREW. The Count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate. DUKE. SIR ANDREW. Od's lifelings, here he is:—You broke my head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't by Sir Toby. VIOLA. SIR ANDREW. If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me; I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, drunk, led by the CLOWN.] Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more: but if he had not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did. DUKE. SIR TOBY. CLOWN. O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i' the morning. SIR TOBY. Then he's a rogue. After a passy-measure, or a pavin, I hate a drunken rogue. OLIVIA. SIR ANDREW. SIR TOBY. Will you help an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave? a thin-faced knave, a gull? OLIVIA. [Exeunt CLOWN, SIR TOBY, and SIR ANDREW.] [Enter SEBASTIAN.] SEBASTIAN. DUKE. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. SEBASTIAN. ANTONIO. OLIVIA. SEBASTIAN. VIOLA. SEBASTIAN. VIOLA. SEBASTIAN. VIOLA. SEBASTIAN. VIOLA. SEBASTIAN. DUKE. VIOLA. DUKE. VIOLA. OLIVIA. [Re-enter CLOWN, with a letter.] A most extracting frenzy of mine own CLOWN. Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave's end as well as a man in his case may do: he has here writ a letter to you; I should have given it you to-day morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered. OLIVIA. CLOWN. Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman:—'By the Lord, madam,—' OLIVIA. CLOWN. No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox. OLIVIA. CLOWN. So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus; therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear. OLIVIA. FABIAN. [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it: though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury. The madly-used Malvolio' OLIVIA. CLOWN. DUKE. OLIVIA. [Exit FABIAN.] My lord, so please you, these things further thought on, DUKE. OLIVIA. [Re-enter FABIAN with MALVOLIO.] DUKE. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. MALVOLIO. OLIVIA. FABIAN. OLIVIA. CLOWN. Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was one, sir, in this interlude;:—one Sir Topas, sir; but that's all one:—'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad;'—But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? An you smile not, he's gagged'? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges. MALVOLIO. [Exit.] OLIVIA. DUKE. [Exeunt.] CLOWN. But when I came to man's estate, But when I came, alas! to wive, But when I came unto my bed, A great while ago the world begun, [Exit.] books, favouritebooks, classicbooks, our favouriteauthor, classicbooks, freedownload, booksauthor, favourite free booksclassic booksfree classic booksdownload free booksdownload classic booksdownload free classic booksfree novels freeclassicsbooksdownloadfree download classic booksdownload classicdownload novels |